The Doubt Monster

After yesterday's TIBT, you can all probably tell I'm not exactly in a sunny, happy place at the moment.

One reason is something I don't really want to talk about here.

Another reason is this: my foot hurts. Big time.

And I am terrified.

Last week, I decided to test the waters and go back to yoga again. The class went fine and the next day, my foot actually felt better than it had in a long time.

After that success, I went back to yoga again this past Tuesday. This week's class was much more intense and included the pose that I was doing when my foot started hurting for the first time back in August. I did the pose, but I did not push anything and was extremely tentative with it.

That night, my foot hurt... and I knew that I had made a mistake. Not the part that was broken, mind you, but the outer edge and heel. This is exactly the same kind of pain I had in the days leading up to the break.

On Wednesday, it hurt. I was supposed to run 4 miles, but I opted to plant myself on the stationary bike instead.

Yesterday it was a little bit sore. I decided to do a part pavement, part vita course run with Prabir. By the end of the 4.5 miles, it hurt. Flat out hurt.

I spent all of last night scared, frustrated, and worried. I massaged my foot. I iced it, even though cold really makes it hurt these days (the fact that I have a cold-sensitive limb makes me feel like I'm 80). I walked around on my toes, trying to convince myself that it didn't hurt. I balanced on my bosu ball.

It still hurts today.

This weekend, I am supposed to do an 8 miler. But right now, I am seriously doubting that it will happen. There will be no work out at all tonight, and none tomorrow either. If it is pain-free on Sunday, I might attempt it.

Might.

Truth is, I am completely terrified. Yup, I've used the word twice now. Because it's true.

Is it breaking again? Have I just screwed myself?

Why is this happening to me after I had such an awesome run last weekend... right when I got my confidence back?

Will I ever not be afraid again?

I'm telling myself that if I can't run the 8 miler this weekend it's no big deal. I still have 2 more scheduled long runs before the half marathon. I don't need to PR at Shamrock, I just want to finish. Eight little missed miles won't hurt me that much. Certainly much less than another re-broken foot would.

Right?

So, you can probably see why this is playing into me feeling so powerless right now. Even if I do what I'm supposed to, if I listen to Steve, if I run 3 days a week and never two days in a row,  if I fill my off days with cross training and core strengtheners, I am at the mercy of my apparently frail foot bones. Foot bones that can just decide to snap and sent me headlong into a black pit of despair in the form of crutches, a boot, and probably the end of my long distance running career.

Screw you, foot bones.