Crutch Lessons: Part 2

Things You Can't Do On Crutches That You Probably Never Thought About:

1. Go through swinging doors. I was always kinda terrified of them in the first place... now they truly are the things of nightmares. Really any door with any kind of weight is difficult to get through.

2. Use your foot to flush the public toilet. You know what I'm talking about ladies. I can't do it and I've had to actually touch the handle to flush the toilet  and it gives me the serious heebie jeebies.

3. Get coffee in the morning and carry it to your desk to enjoy during those first few minutes at work.

4. Put on pants without sitting down.

5. Learn the Gangnam Style dance.

6. Push a grocery cart... meaning you really can't go to the grocery store (or any other store) by yourself. Because I can't carry things in my hands, at first I started just sticking things in my favorite new carrying spot (in my bra) until I realized that it might look like I'm attempting to shop lift. Not such a good idea after all.

7. Vacuum. This is driving. Me. INSANE.

8. Jump up and down/rant and rave/run around the room like a crazy person during exciting or tense football games (a.k.a. every game when you're a Redskins fan like me).

9. Talk or text on your cell phone while "walking". You can't carry it either.

10. Make use of your extensive collection of high heels (no problem for the dudes out there I guess).


Things You Can Do On Crutches That You Probably Haven't Thought About:

1. Field lots of weird comments and questions posed by random strangers. Some of my favorites have included:

• To my husband: "Why don't you just carry her? It would probably be easier." We've had multiple people say this to us when out in public. One older gentlemen even recommended that Husband just throw me over his shoulder.
• Small child: "Mommy why is that lady using those metal legs to walk?"
• Guy at gym: "I'm not sure whether to ask you why you're on crutches or why you're using a stationary bike." (I'm not even sure what this even meant... obviously I'm on the bike because I'm on crutches...)
• Small child at grocery store: "I try! I can do it!" (repeat 25 times)

Personally, I would never in a million years ask a perfect stranger what they did to themselves whether they were on crutches, had an obvious bandage, or anything else. Apparently this feeling isn't shared by the general populace.

2. Obtain a temporary handicap parking permit and park in handicap spots... if you can find one... which you usually can't. But on the off chance that you score one, it is infinitely helpful.

3. Get really really really good at balancing on your good leg/foot. My left side used to be much better for balance during yoga class but I am now a balance phenom on my right side.

4. Use your dependence on crutches as a good excuse to not do something... even if you really could  do it but don't really feel like it. You probably already thought of this though.

5. Make a game out of your staircase-scaling ability. I have started to time myself and see if I can improve my time going up and down the stairs by incorporating new techniques.

6. Avoid all forms of yard work (which I detest).

7. Shop online, spending copious amounts of money on a new fall wardrobe from the comfort of your chair. However, once the packages arrive you won't be able to get them into the house without assistance.

8. Wear Lululemon crops to work and get away with it.

9. Air guitar.